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| Raccoons; They Shall Return = = = = = = = = = = = = = Dear readers, you have known me as a green writer encouraging environmentally friendly behavior. I continue to stand by my green initiatives, yet today, I show you that every experience has duality, and there are sometimes difficulties when we try to co-exist with wildlife. For five years my family and I have been plagued, yes plagued, by a local wild carnivore named Raccoon and otherwise known at my home as “that wicked creature which has come from the bowels of hell.” Over the course of several years the raccoons repeatedly invaded the exterior fireplace causing holes and cracks in the chase, which then caused rain to get in, which then caused the fireplace to literally rot off the side of our home. At one point, my husband and I chased five raccoons out of the fireplace at once, but only after three hours of vicious noise-making and many prayers offered up to the heavens. We tried every “get rid of raccoon” cure you can imagine. After losing an extensive battle with our insurance company over the fireplace animal invasion, we had several contractors come out and quote any where from $5,000 to $20,000 to do this replacement. Nice and confusing, right? Who the heck is being honest here? More importantly, how am I supposed to wring $20,000 from a raccoon? “No problem,” you say, “just trap the little buggers and ship’em off to the forest preserve. You’ll be rid of the problem forever.” Lovely idea! Just so you know raccoons are prolific reproducers and where there is one, there are more – while being dumped off at a distant forest preserve they are manically laughing as they yell, “WE SHALL RETURN!” Initially I thought the raccoons had no understanding of this progression; they simply felt we should cohabitate in a be-good-to-one-another sort of way. I clearly did not know the truth. I am convinced the dastardly masterminds raccoons plotted against us with an evil master plan that would make Dr. No shudder with excitement. This thought came into my head after they discovered how to climb in between the floors of our home. We could hear them crawling through the ceiling when we were downstairs and began a full-out campaign of banging on the ceilings and walls to scare them away. Nothing helped. They had babies in the ceiling; reproducing more of their horrifying devil children sweet little raccoons. This time the insurance covered the complete removal and replacement of the ceiling and insulation. The real kicker is that they continued to move back in with such brash rudeness. When we boarded up the fireplace entrances they circumvented the fireplace, ripped off a huge section of roofing, gnawed through the plywood of our roof, and made themselves at home again. Imagine little ol’ me getting the fine privilege of climbing up in my 100 degree attic to remove giant piles of raccoon feces? It is just wonderful to be me. My husband and I climbed up on the roof and together covered the three foot hole with more plywood shouting, “THIS IS WAR!” We renewed the battle full strength and brought out the big guns: we hired an arborist to chop down two giant pine trees which bordered the edge of our home that seemed to be where the spawn from hell raccoons were climbing up. Since then we have covered every entrance with sheet metal, re-fireplaced, re-roofed, and re- sided our house at an expense that goes way beyond reporting here. Let’s just say this green and nature- loving writer has slipped from grace and is ANGRY! Not too long ago I was out in the garden watering the hostas when much to my surprise I spotted a raccoon casing the joint so he could do more damage shambling along my garden path enjoying nature. As he and I exchanged surprised looks, I realized this was my chance to wreck revenge on my enemy. You got it; I turned the water hose on my enemy with a sadistic laugh and a loud shout, “AHA! I’ve got you now!” He ran for his life, and I was lucky he did not attack me saved the day! The lesson learned here is that we humans are invaders in the land of the wild. Much like our founding fathers that conquered the west, we here in the suburbs are still struggling to live in harmony. This experience has shown me that Mother Nature will prevail and we are just her humble servants. I continue to be pro-nature and live green – but this week I do so as a frustrated nature-lover. Please send your questions for Shawna Coronado, The Casual Gardener to dearshawna@thecasualgardener. com or The Casual Gardener, P.O. Box 358, Warrenville, IL 60555 |
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